Are You Toxic To Yourself?

With all the negativity around us — news, social media, people, and especially our constant internal criticisms — it can often feel like life is a continuous downward spiral. We all have these feelings in life. But it is when these feelings become recurring, that it can become a problem.

Because recurring negative feelings can lead to behaviours, thoughts, and actions that undermine our own well-being and aspirations. This is something called self-sabotage — it happens when we start to stop ourselves from achieving our goals or enjoying our lives.

And it can be really hard to break out of this cycle of self-sabotage.

But here's the thing: We deserve better. You deserve better.

That's why today's edition is practically a checklist for you to identify your own self-sabotaging beliefs and a few quick tips on how to deal with them.

Here are 10 signs you should be looking out for and my suggestions as to how to tackle them:

➡️ You are extremely critical of yourself: Have you ever felt like your inner critic is always a little too loud? Negative self-talk can form into a habit as we grow, and it can feel easier to focus on what we perceive as flaws. It's like having a voice in your head that points out mistakes instead of cheering you on, which can be really hard to break as time passes by. However, it’s not impossible.

Here is what I do: I start by acknowledging these thoughts without any form of judgment. It’s not as easy as it sounds, but it gets better with practice. Then, I counter them with gratitude for the things that are going well in my life. Some experts even say that practicing positive affirmations, and reminding yourself of your capabilities and worth also works wonders while dealing with this habit.

➡️ Your self-worth depends heavily on other’s opinions: We all have a natural desire to belong and feel accepted. But sometimes, this desire can go out of whack, so much so, that we start tying our sense of worth to the approval we get from others.

Now there can be a lot of reasons for why this happens — childhood trauma, negative experiences or bullying in your teenage years, lack of acceptance from peers etc. That’s why there is no straightforward way to deal with this.

But one thing that can really help is setting healthy boundaries with your own self and starting to build confidence by mastering skills under the guidance of an expert. The more you build confidence by doing, the more it translates to your own sense of self worth.

➡️ You are uncomfortable spending time alone: Spending time alone can feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable. You might even worry about being lonely or missing out. But learning how to be alone without feeling lonely is a crucial skill in the modern age.

I am not saying that you shouldn’t have friends or a good support system. What I am saying is that it’s very difficult to understand what you want in relationships and from your friends unless you know yourself. And knowing yourself requires you to spend time with yourself, reconnect with your passions, recharge your energy, and rediscover yourself.

➡️ You prefer to run away from conflict instead of communicating: I know that avoiding conflict can feel like the easier option at the moment, but it can lead to resentment and unresolved issues in the long term. Developing healthy communication and learning how to communicate your own needs and feelings can take a lot of time to learn, especially because we’re dealing with people who all have different communication styles.

But this is one of the best skills you can develop both in terms of your personal and professional life. I will come back soon with another letter on how to become better at communication.

➡️ You frequently talk badly or negatively about yourself: Self-deprecating jokes aren’t humor, you need to understand that. Sometimes, our brain uses self-deprecating humor as a coping mechanism or to connect with others. Why? As it feels easier to make jokes about ourselves than to celebrate our strengths. However, it can reinforce negative self-beliefs and spiral it back into your mind.

If you’re someone who is particularly prone to negative self talk, I would suggest staying away from all forms of self-deprecating humour — whether it’s watching it on reels or laughing at a joke that someone made at your expense. Practice talking kindly to yourself and about yourself.

➡️ You have unrealistic expectations of yourself: This is the number 1 reason people are unable to stick to their goals. Their plans are so lofty that their mind gives up even before they’ve taken the first step. If you plan to do a 100 burpees on the first day of the gym, what do you think will happen? You’ll either give up completely before you even go. Or you’ll do the task and then become unable to do anything for the next 10 days, and that will break your progress.

By setting unrealistic expectations you ultimately direct the results toward disappointment and discouragement. Which is why, this is your cue to set achievable goals and celebrate even small victories. Celebrate every step on your journey, and embrace the learning process because progress takes time.

➡️ You lie & manipulate people to have a sense of control in your life: Manipulation or lying isn’t the way to feel in control. It might feel like a great way to gain control, but they ultimately damage trust and create distance. That’s why whenever my brain tries to mess up in this area, I embrace my true self even more, in that very moment with all the flaws.

Because, with time I have understood one thing: Vulnerability takes courage, but it allows you to build genuine connections and experience true intimacy with your close ones.

➡️ You struggle with self-care: Lastly, learn to prioritize your own needs. It is needed. Putting yourself last won’t change people’s perception about you; instead, they will take your actions for granted. It can even lead to burnout and resentment in the long run.

Prioritize your well-being by scheduling time for self-care activities that nourish your mind, body, and spirit. Learn to say no when needed, and don't be afraid to set boundaries to protect your energy. Remember, a healthy and happy you is better for everyone around you.

And even after reading all this, if you are thinking “Why now?”

Let me ask you - Why not now? 🤷‍♀️

Comment below and let me know which of these are you planning to make a shift.