✔️ Maybe you feel like you always have to say yes to your friends, even when you don't really want to.
✔️ Maybe you end up doing their homework or letting them borrow your favorite toy, even though it makes you feel grumpy.
✔️ Maybe you are forming a self-resentment as to why can’t you express your innermost thoughts.
If all these maybe meet at the same destination in your mind, you might be a people pleaser.
But, what do I mean by a people pleaser?
Remember Anjali from last week’s newsletter? 🤔 She exhibited some of the qualities of being a people pleaser; because being a people pleaser means you try really hard to make other people happy, even if it means putting yourself last.
Think of it like this. You are working in an office and is known to be the person doing someone else work alongside yours. It’s your sister’s birthday and you wanted to go home early today. Suddenly a colleague asks for a favour from you and despite your mind screaming “NO” you plastered a smile and said, “Okay I will do it.”
Now, what you are trying to do here is help. But, you are also suppressing your emotions to please others. That my friend is people pleasing.
Let’s look at some signs that you might be a people pleaser:
❌ You always say yes: Do you find it hard to say no, even when you're exhausted and have no strength to go on? People pleasers often feel bad saying no, even if it means they get overloaded. I too had my fair share of ‘yes’ and honestly, by the end of the day, I was drained.
❌ You feel guilty for letting others down: People pleasers often feel guilty for letting others down, even a tiny bit. Suppose you said no to someone even if it was the right thing to do, still, you started feeling guilty that you denied someone’s request.
❌ Your happiness depends on others: You feel happy only if the people around you are happy. If your happiness is based on external validation, then this can be a sign of people pleasing too.
❌ You have trouble making decisions: Do you find it hard to pick a movie or what to play because you want to make everyone happy? People pleasers often struggle to make choices because they're worried about disappointing someone.
❌ You downplay your feelings: If you always keep your feelings bottled up because you don't want to cause a fight, remember this: people pleasers also avoid saying they're sad or angry to keep the peace.
❌ You're a perfectionist: Perfectionism is not a strength, it’s stressful. Earlier, I always strived for perfection, but it also led me to say yes to those who never did me any good.
Now that we know about the symptoms, let’s hear what science have to say about it.
Science Says...
People pleasers aren’t bad.
In fact, being a concerned and caring person is an important part of maintaining healthy relationships with loved ones. It, however, becomes a problem, if you are trying to win approval to boost up your weak self-esteem or if you are pursuing the happiness of others at the expense of your emotional well-being.
The bottom line is that being a people pleaser is okay sometimes, but it shouldn't rule your life.
You might be thinking, how to break out of this attitude?
Here are 4 ways to deal with people pleasing habits:
➡️ Establish Boundaries
It's important to understand your limits, establish those clear boundaries, and then communicate those limits. Be as clear and specific about them. If it seems like someone is asking for too much, let them know that you won't be able to help.
For example, you might only take phone calls at certain times so set limits on when you can talk.
➡️ Start Small
It can be hard to make a sudden change and if you are starting out, start with small steps that help you work your way to being less of a people-pleaser.
For example, try saying no to a text request for the next 2 days. Then work your way up to telling people "no" in person. Practice in different settings or situations and move your way up.
➡️ Stall for Maybe
When someone asks for a favor, instead of immediately saying yes, try saying, “I will think about it.” Saying "yes" right away all the time can leave you feeling obligated and overcommitted, but taking a maybe stance can give you the time to evaluate it and decide if it's something you want to do.
Research says even a short pause before making a choice increases decision-making accuracy.
➡️ Help, But Not at Your Expense
Being kind and thoughtful are desirable qualities that can contribute to strong, lasting relationships. However, the key is to understand your motivations and intentions too.
Keep doing good things but on your terms. Just because you wish to help others, does not mean you start loosing yourself in the process.
When you start implementing these 4, you will slowly start to understand the difference between helping and people pleasing, and that is where the real change happens.
By the way, do you find it difficult to say “NO”? Comment below and let me know.
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